made to walk

My original title was “The angles of 45 decrees” and promised to comically compare mathematical statements to our hopeless theories of adequacy. What does it take to be the right angle? Why do I always fall short of my goal? (Making me acute…get it…) Why is it that even though I’m hard on myself and feel that I never hit the mark, I still judge others harshly? I peg everyone I don’t understand as ridiculous, nutso, and obtuse. At forty-five, I want to be the happy medium. I’m living in grace, accepting myself and others within the umbrella-like covering of the Righteousness of Christ.
I want this post to express that happiness comes from rooting your identity in God’s truth, Jesus Christ and His restoring hope.
Because that is what matters. Rooting my identity in Christ makes me teachable and useable by God.

But I’m finding that accepting that identity isn’t all that easy. And while my new clothes in Christ should be freeing and comfortable, I really don’t know how to wear them. Mostly, because I still try to accessorize with my old identity thinking. It’s kind of like the old jeans I keep trying to put on that are NEVER going to fit again.
Here’s how all of this bumps into real life:
The path I choose didn’t lead to the imaginary land of 45 that I once envisioned. Nothing is sturdy. Nothing is complete. Everything in my life is under construction: my marriage, my finances, my relationship with my children, my body. (Ok, there really isn’t construction going on there…it’s more like Destruction. But you get the idea). Nothing turned out like I planned. AND THAT IS OK. I think…
Really? Is that really ok? Is it ok that I don’t seem to hit the mark – whatever that mark may be?
I know that I want it to be ok.
I want to be able to love myself so well that I can love others unhindered. I want to love myself in such a healthy way, that I can put myself last ALWAYS, and be free to serve, encourage, and reach out to others. But free from what?

Free from me.
You see, as I’ve walked with Jesus and purposed more diligently to surrender everything to Him, I’m finding the hardest things to part with are my own negative thoughts about myself.
I struggle with fear, depression, and anxiety even though I’m able to focus on the positives most of the time. Sometimes I fear if anyone knew how sad, envious and angry I can truly be, they would distrust my transparency. I do emotional and mental aerobics daily to remain focused on God’s truth to give me courage to make it through the work day. Not to mention, you wouldn’t want to shake my hand the moment before I hit post on any blog. My palms sweat badly. Mostly, I carry myself with confidence, even though I’m pretty open about my hang ups. But I often wonder if that down plays my struggle, or simply makes me look hypocritical…
And it’s not just me:
Along the path I’m walking as I support my husband through rehab, I’m meeting quite a few addicts. These people all have different stories, but one huge similarity. Even when given life-tools, counseling, support and huge opportunities for success, they struggle with self-destruction. The stories grieve me to the point of tears EVERY time.

It’s amazing the comfort we find in what we’ve always known, even if it’s unhealthy. We wrap in our security blanket of inadequacy and fear because we don’t know what to do with success or happiness. Why can’t people wrap their brains around the idea that they are loved and useable in the Kingdom beyond their own self-induced limitations? God made man GOOD. Jesus restores that Good. Why can’t we get that?
Why can’t I get that? I’m not an addict, but I can’t order a pizza without anxiety. I can’t pick up the phone and call a friend to tell them I’m thinking of them. I’m afraid that I’ll be pestering them. Maybe we’re not phone friends. Perhaps, we’re just “hang-out at church buddies”. I don’t want to cross that line and make anyone uncomfortable. Thank God for texting. At least, I can encourage through that medium.

Thinking like this makes me ineffective, not only because I focus on what I claim as weakness, but mostly because I’m focusing MOSTLY on me. Jesus is my Rock, Redeemer, Healer, and Strength. He is the filter through which God sees me. If my focus is on Him, He will provide what I need to do His will. Psalm 34:5 claims that “Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered in shame”. If I’m feeling shamed, unworthy, unable, or inadequate then I HAVE brought that to the table. Usually, I’ve brought it strictly out of habit, because I just won’t lay down my false identity.

The lame beggar in John lay on his mat for thirty-eight years waiting to get into the healing waters. The Word states that Jesus said, “Do you want to be well?” John 5:6.
When I read it, I hear Jesus’ underlying, heartfelt urging, “Do you want to be well? Don’t you see this isn’t what you were created for? I have work for you! Get up! GET UP! Pick up your mat! Let go of the past! How can you think YOU know who you are better than I do? I MADE YOU! GET UP! PUT DOWN THE OLD THINKING. PICK UP YOUR MAT, YOUR CHAIN, YOUR CRAVING, YOUR FEAR AND TAKE CONTROL OF IT THROUGH ME! IT CAN’T HOLD YOU UNLESS YOU GIVE IT POWER!! GET UUUPPP!!!!!! AND WALK AWAY!!!
Walk away because I love you more than you know. AND I MADE YOU TO WALK, to serve, to encourage, to reach out to others who want to be well but are afraid and lost. You were not meant to lie and wait and hide”.

Of course, that’s just the way I read it. The scripture simply states Jesus’ question, “Do you want to be well?”